


The Finer Points of Foreign Policy

by RivetBucktail (orphan_account)



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Adventure, Cliffhanger, Comedy, Drama, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Unfinished yet Finished
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:40:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26986090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/RivetBucktail
Summary: Steven and Peridot aspire to become intergalactic diplomats, and they drag Jasper along for the ride.
Relationships: Jasper & Steven Universe
Kudos: 2





	1. Jasper’s Day Off

**Author's Note:**

> Gift fanfiction to an acquaintance.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven and Peridot ruin Jasper's day off.

“Which way ya gunna go?,” Steven asked whilst spying at the walkway ahead, “‘Cuz deya’s a fork in the road, Tawny Biggz.” 

How heartening. 

Jasper snarled at Steven’s curtness, but he giggled madly and stepped aside when she took a swing at him, half-heartedly. 

“Don’t anger the monster, Steven,” Peridot chided. “You’ll only make it more upset.” 

Jasper huffed, but mischievous Steven still stepped closer and latched onto her leg. 

“Why yuh gotta * _be*_ dat way, baby? You know you love your lil’ Stevie-bud.” 

“Stop calling yourself that,” Jasper growled. “You know you’re one of the rightful rulers of this place--you should be sitting in the throne hall;” she said, pointing, “up there on the highest floor of the Capitol building and leading your people. Not wasting time down here weaving between the common people on the city streets.” 

“Funny how deez monarchy dictatorships work,” said Steven, disinterested. “I’m more concerned about you,” he continued. “You seem restless.” 

“Gems don’t need to sleep,” Jasper grunted as they dodged in and out of the flow of pedestrian traffic on the walkways below the Capitol building, “but being around the two of you for any length of time would tire anything out.” 

With buildings to their left and the oh-so-wide, busy road to their right, Steven felt as if he were strolling thru downtown “Jersey” as they went. But Capitol City was so much bigger, and busier. To the infinite degree. 

“Let’s not worry so much,” Steven said as they entered the Capitol building, the glossy, marble high-rise from where the Diamonds ruled the galaxy in comfort. Jasper spoke with the Gem at the receptionist’s desk and thanked her when she gave her and her party passage. Steven and Peridot followed quietly behind her. 

At the top floor, Jasper pushed the large, high doors of the Diamonds’ chamber open. She’d secured herself a meeting with Blue Diamond to request something she needed with the utmost urgency. 

“My Diamond,” Jasper began, entering the room and then crossing her arms in a Diamond Salute, bowing slightly. “Please, if you will, I must request of you…” 

“Hm? Yes?” Blue Diamond asked. She turned away from the digital display mounted on the wall behind her seat. 

“She’s watching TV?” Peridot whispered aside to Steven. “Usually the Big Mommas don’t do that.” 

“Must be new,” Steven whispered back. “Looks like they took your advice and set up television networks here, just like the ones we’ve got on Earth,” and Peridot nodded. 

Jasper scowled at them even more, but sighed and turned again to face the blue Empress. “I-I’m requesting something important, and I need your approval.” 

“Oh, of course!” Blue Diamond chirped. “Anything for Pink’s cute daughter.” Jasper blushed red a bit at the complement. 

“May I… have next week off? To spend time with my loved ones.” Jasper asked. 

“Oh, of course,” Blue Diamond spoke again, gently. “Why did you come all this way just for that? You could have just asked Pink herself,” she continued, motioning to Steven. Jasper turned around to look Steven in his doofy eye. He waved at her innocently and she scowled at him. 

“T-thank you, My Diamond,” Jasper said, turning to bow again, and she hurriedly escorted Steven and Peridot out of the room alongside her. 

****** 

Through the Galaxy Warp and across the Universe, Jasper sat on the Beach City seashore with smooth sand below her and the surf far away at the edge of the horizon. She wore a pair of pink shades and a frilly, pink one-piece swimsuit. Steven sat to her right in his swim trunks, building a sand castle with bucket and spade. 

“Sun’s nice today, huh, Jasper?” Steven asked. Jasper grunted in reply. 

“Mood’s pretty nice too, huh?” Peridot asked as she scooted closer to the desert Gem and began to caress at her massive, muscular thighs. Wordlessly, Jasper swatted the smaller Gem’s hand away, softly. Peridot pouted in reply. 

“Fighting in the Army sucks,” Jasper said. “I like it better here with you guys.” 

“Friends should stick together on issues regarding positive moral support for one another,” Steven said. “Though that’s ‘mushy stuff’ and not really your cup of tea, huh, Jasper?” 

“Meh.” 

“What are you gonna do for a whole week, Biggz?” Steven questioned. 

“Soak up the sun and relax so I don’t shatter from the stress inside” she replied. “The life of a Gemstone Army Corps soldier is rough as Diamonds, Steven, and as stressful as the sun is hot.” 

“Oh,” he said. Steven smirked. “Why don’t we all do something fun together?” he asked. “Like go on a quest--y’know? An Earth-faring, globe-trotting adventure!” 

“* _Grwhat_ *?” 

“Yeah!” Peridot chimed in. “We could explore the beaches! Or the Planet’s jungles! The mountains! ...Or even visit the Homeworlds of some of the Gemstone Empire’s biggest rivals!” 

“Peridot, for now, I’m still on active duty under Yellow and Blue Diamond’s command,” Jasper protested. “I’m not fighting in the War, but I at least have to perform the functions of a public servant! They just gave me the whole week off, and I finally get to escape the crushing stress of the military life, and--” 

“It’s decided!” Steven. “OK! Let’s * _go_ *! Let’s be Diplomats!” 

He and Peridot giggled and ran off toward the Beach House to gather supplies, leaving Jasper to sigh, slumping over on her towel. 

**END OF CHAPTER ONE**


	2. Across the Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven and Peridot launch their diplomatic career.

Peridot’s spacefaring spacecraft was made of recycled parts from the scrapyard and apparati she produced in the the DeMayo barnyard.

Jasper sat at the rear end of the massive ship’s bridge with her arms crossed. She was grumpy because Steven and Peridot had dragged her along on their silly journey, more or less literally.

“Time dilation is on your side, Tawny,” Steven said. “The faster we move, the longer it takes for a second to pass for an outside observer: someone who isn’t streaking through outer space hundreds of times faster than light. Like we are right now!”

“You two are * _ ruining _ * my vacation,” was her reply.

“The faster we move, the less time passes on Earth,” said Steven, “so as soon as we’re done, you can go back to Beach City and finish your sweet vacation there.”

Jasper held her face in-palm.

“And what exactly do you two hope to accomplish with this ‘Eager-McBeaver’ outing across * _ outer _ * space?” she asked.

“Achieving intergalactic peace,” said Steven.

“What--?”

“Guys, we’re here,” Peridot said, sittin’ in the pilot’s seat.

“Where’s ‘here’?” asked Jasper.

“Scaleus IV,” Steven replied. “We’re in orbit above Scaleus IV.”

“WHAT!?” Jasper bellowed. “The home planet of the Lizard People? The Damned Lizard People of Scaleus IV!?”

“Yep,” Steven nodded.

“Those moron freaks are monsters!” Jasper yelled. “Do you even know why tensions are so high between Gem Homeworld and the Lizard People!?”

“Nope,” Steven replied, shaking his head.

“They’re sick, savage scavengers that dissipate the  _ Forme _ of Gemstone People for no reason, and then they gemnap them and wear their unconscious Gems as jewelry!”

“It’s a good thing Peridot and I called ahead to let their king know we would be here,” Steven said, and Peridot nodded. “We told them Pink Diamond and her aides were gonna visit today. Peridot is my assistant, and you’re my bodyguard!”

Jasper phoned the Diamonds, angrily, and Steven pouted.

She hung up at the end of the call. “Steven, the Lizard People are pathological liars, and you nee--”

“Diplomats!!” Steven and Peridot yelled, and they left the ship, ‘cause it had landed, and the King Lizard was greeting them with open arms. Jasper left the ship, too -- in one of the escape pods and plotted a course to Gem Homeworld.

At first the Lizard People were nice. They held a parade in Steven’s honor and commended the metaphorical olive branch he and Peridot had extended to them.

[Text Wrapping Break]Then there was a feast.

Then they locked Steven and Peridot in jail.

“How could this happen!?” Steven cried, and Peridot shrugged. A nearby Lizard guard struck her with a Lizard-made Destabilizer for her indifference, and her body disappeared. Kind Steven Bubbled her Gem; he tapped it gingerly and sent it home to Earth.

“At least one of us can escape,  _ mon ami _ .”

The damned Lizard guards brought Steven before the Lizard King. The King and his entire legion wore poofed Gems as jewelry.

“They can’t regenerate their  _ Forme _ because of the golden frames they’re trapped in!” sneered the Lizard King. “And now it’s your turn, foolish boy!!”

The damned Lizards gathered ‘round and prepared to zap Steven until he poofed.

But suddenly the tall doors to the King’s throne room busted open. It was the Diamonds.

Dressed as commandos.

“Kill them!” yelled Yellow Diamond. “Kill them for trying to harm Pink!!”

The whole A-Team ensemble they wore was complemented perfectly with the tiny, human-sized weapons they were equipped with. Blue Diamond pulled the trigger on her tiny machine gun and shot the hecc up out of the Lizard bois. White gingerly lobbed a grenade somewhere and killed, like, ten dudes.

"WE HAVE TO * _ MOVE _ *, PEOPLE!!" Blue Diamond cried. (lol a pun)

“Pink! You’re with me!” said Yellow Diamond. “We’ll take on the rest together with my Jeweljitsu!”

“But you’re so much bigger than me,” said Steven. “How is it that our backs are touching?” ‘Cause they were.

“That’s the magic of the Power of Perspective!” Yellow Diamond yelled, and she grabbed Steven’s arms and swung him like a flail at the Lizard People. “A Diamond Girl’s best friend!”

Steven kicked the Sugar out of the Lizard people as Yellow crouched whilst swinging him.

Soon the damned Lizard People and the damned Lizard King of Scaleus IV were defeated.

“Curse you hecking Gems and your hecking Empire!!” the Lizard King exclaimed before he fell over unconscious from Yellow Diamond kicking him in the head.

Steven met up with Jasper in the ship.

“I’m sorry, Jasper,” he said. “I should have listened to you.”

“Hmph,” was her only reply.

“And now you know why we mistreat the * _ Damned _ * Lizard People of Scaleus IV,” White Diamond scolded. And Steven nodded.

Blue Diamond held Steven and nuzzled him.

“All sewn up,” said Jasper, as the ship flew back to Earth.

** END OF CHAPTER TWO **


	3. Steven’s Lament

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven regrets being reckless.

Peridot equipped her ship with the Power of Gem Teleportation, so it returned home safe and sound after the Damned Lizard incident.

Steven sulked on the beach as Jasper soaked up the sunlight into her hardlight.

“Jasper, I’m sorry,” Steven said, “again.”

“You’ve apologized for that a hundred times already, Steven,” she replied. “Literally. Diamonddarn, will you please let it go already?”

“But Peridot and I could’ve died.”

“Well, you and her -- Oh, yeah, that’s true,” Jasper said, lifting her shades. “I’mma need another apology out of you for that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Okay, good. We cool now, Jewely.”

“That’s a slur!” Peridot screamed from nearby.

“Nuh-uh; I used the acceptable pronunciation,” Jasper retorted. She raised her fist in the air. “* _ Gem Power _ *!”

Steven watched the sand at his feet.

“You know,” he began, “sometimes I wish there was more I could do for you guys. For everyone.”

“You do plenty for all of us,” Jasper replied softly. “Back when you were your Mom, you saved Earth from the destructive, foul touch of our species.”

Steven gave a confused look when he heard Jasper’s description of the matter.

“...Even now, we still rely on you,” she continued. “You help hold our family together, just by being you.”

Steven sighed, and Jasper pulled him into a bear hug.

“Me too; me too!” Peridot cried. So Jasper hugged them both.

“Just don’t go * _ running off, charging headlong into trouble _ *, okay?” Jasper murmured.

Steven cooed and nodded in her arms.

******

“I want to visit the Oros next,” Steven told Jasper later that night in the Beach House living area.

She raised an eyebrow. “I though we spoke about this earlier,” she said flatly.

“I won’t go to visit them without knowing whom I’m dealing with, this time,” Steven retorted.

...

She was silent for a moment.

“What exactly do you need to know about the Oros?” Jasper asked.

“The very first thing? --Who are they?”

“Let me see…” Jasper spoke, “They’re...They’re a species that evolved parallel to the Gemstone race, homed on another planet. Their core component isn't a gemstone; s'not a rock like ours; their core are made of metal.”

“‘Metal People’?”

“Yeah. They have two main sexes, like humans but unlike Gems. Oros People can be either male or female.”

“Oh.”

“The skinny on their leadership is they’re ruled by their imperial, crown monarch: * _ Aurum Platinum Oros _ * ...of Planet Oros.”

“I see…” Steven spoke.

“...You’re gonna take Peridot to go see these guys on their homeworld tomorrow?” Jasper asked.

“I still haven’t decided yet,” Steven replied.

“Hm.”

“Maybe bedtime for now,” Steven said (it was already late). “I’ll plan it all out tomorrow in the morning.”

“Let me come with you if you decide to go,” Jasper replied. “I need to make sure that you’re safe.”

“Yes, certainly.”

And both head off to bed to turn in for the night.

** END OF CHAPTER THREE **

**Author's Note:**

> This story is incomplete, but I don't intent to finish it. Sorry for any inconvenience.


End file.
